I am Abraham Lincoln, on a good day. On a bad day, more like Lyle Lovett after a bottle of sour mash. We kind of look the same, but I am Lincoln, and I did things with my life that no other can claim... that's why I'm on a postage stamp!
I freed the slaves. I wrote the Constitution. I got my picture on the penny. I wear a stovepipe hat (and I'll kill any vampire that tries to take it away). I invented the boom box (I call it the "ghetto blaster", gangs of new york can you hear me now!?!?)... I poured the wax on the first vinyl LP, then scratched it like a mofo!
In case you don't realize by now... I didn't really die in that theater, I saw that assissination coming... cuz I'm a gangsta, like Elvis, I got second sight... that dude was a stand-in, a look-alike, a dupe, my doppelganger. Some guy from the universe that wished he was me, so I told him to go ahead... take my wife, enjoy the show. I knew my life was in danger, a shot was coming to kill the president, because that's how I roll... gangsta!
The only time I hit the public these days is when I hit the cardboard and drop new breakdance moves for the masses, one day only every 13 years... hit it and split... if it wasn't for me, ya'll still be wearing tweed and doing the duck walk!
That's right, I'm Lincoln and I made the world good... Gettysburg, bitch! I invented breakdancing. I wired the Internet and made the wheel round instead of square, gave it soul. I even created pancakes (in a secret underground military base in Nevada), cuz that's sumthin' good. And it's me you thank for sock monkeys, bicycles and Rubik's cubes, for toilets that flush and water that runs.
I even taught Michael Jackson how to dance, actually learned that walk while ON the moon... what's that??
Ah sheez... gotsta excuse me, nurse says it's time for my meds... kick a hole in the speaker, drop the mic, then I jet... Audi!